Living with (Re-) Purpose

"I only deepen the wound of the world when I neglect to give thanks for early light..."

Ann Voskamp

I was excited to place my pen on the first page of a brand new journal this morning! The old me would have waited until April 1, somehow stretched out the previous one to make it work. Over the past year, I have made serious progress moving away from the need for perfectionism including perfect endings and beginnings.

As I wrote, I included the quote by Ann from "One Thousand Gifts." I am on my fourth reading of her book, this time reading it in small increments aloud. I began to thank God for the sunlight pouring in my kitchen window, giving the appearance of warmth although if I stuck my head out the door that myth would quickly disappear :)

I prayed for my granddaughter who has a lot on her plate right now. 

"Give me an undivided heart to praise you."

I knew my heart-prayer was mixed with worry, so I began to thank God for all the times He has taken care of her in the past.

"The other side of prayer." That's what Ann calls thanksgiving. I must be intentional in moving to the other side, Intentional in the giving of thanks.

Slowly I had a prompting to move away from my normal morning routine and dig out my visual journal. I hadn't touched it for five months.

Placing it before me on the table, I turned to the first blank page. I reached for the magazines stored in the box where I keep my journal. I knew my heart was calling for me to turn off my brain and pull, tear and glue pictures. So I did. Eight pages and two hours later, I was astounded at what lie before me. I wish I had glued my images on a new dream board.

An idea entered my head. I went to the copier with my journal and copied the color pages. I pulled out a piece of poster board and lay them side by side for another morning.

Something was taking place inside of me as I worked on these pages, unfolding, falling away, taking shape. 

A word surfaced:

Re-purposing 

What does that even mean? I read an article about New York City repurposing an old train track platform into a park where people can jog or walk and enjoy the area. 

Over the past year and a half my life shifted, in a good way, although through difficult circumstances. 

There was an emptying.

Re-purpose = to give a new purpose or use, to change something so that it can be used for a different purpose

            Merriam - Webster

Ann says that "something always comes to fill the empty places." I want to begin on the other side of prayer, counting those "grace moments" with gratitude. 

How do I do the rest? The re-purposing? Brene' Brown says to DARE TO NOT KNOW. 

When I don't know, its okay to rest and live with the questions. 

The point is to LIVE.

Carriages, Carrots & Crowns - Week in Review

One of the things I love about being home in the County is meeting the Amish buggies along the road. I always wave and smile because they make me happy. Perhaps its the reminder to slow down and live life simpler. I prayed that I wouldn't run into this buggy as I snapped the pic with my iPhone while driving :)

This was my favorite Instagram photo of the week. My beautiful granddaughter. 

Annoyances and irritations fought hard to drown out my voice of gratitude this week. Mom's constant  problems with DISH network was one. After two weeks of this, finally a new receiver is on the way to northern Maine. I won't rehearse every one of the irritations  again for fear that I will fall back into the mire of negativity, but I must mention the carrot juice.

My goal each morning is to make a fresh juice for my breakfast. I have a couple of favorites but I'd run out of those ingredients by Saturday so I proceeded to make a carrot juice. I piled the carrots in my juicer and turned it on only to realize it wasn't tightly sealed and tiny bits of carrots flew everywhere. They coated my appliances, the window over my sink, clean dishes, everything in a wide radius. I was frustrated!

I managed to make and drink the juice only to have it upset my stomach. The carrots were too much for early morning so when I drove to mom's to check out her DISH, I went in nausea to her already 80 degree apartment. Okay, so I am ranting a bit. Forgive me.

I began this journal in September of 2013 and wrote on the last line today. What an incredible journey the last seven months have been! The folder underneath my journal contains my book which I am still  working on and so proud of myself for sticking with it, even if no one ever reads it. My iPad is next in the pile, my constant companion and gateway this week to an online Health Warrior Summit with daily videos on nutritional health and eating plans such as juicing, Paleo diet, Gluten-free and on and on. It can be overwhelming but I have decided to stick with baby steps, like my morning juices. 

Last but not least, peeking out from the bottom is my Mac, where I write my book and post to my blog.

The highlight of my week was beyond a doubt FaceTime with my girls, everything from these incredible smiles to Lily's fashion show with heels, sparkly skirt and crown. What a delight! Thanks Amber, McKenna, and Lily for being the sunshine of my week :)

Embracing the Mystery of God

Instead we speak the wisdom of God, hidden in a mystery, that God determined before the ages for our glory. 1 Corinthians 2:7 NET

For years I struggled with the tension between who I knew God to be from his Word and the experiences of life challenges. Jesus the Healer walked the pages of the Scriptures, but sickness and disease ravaged those around me and chronic illness became my daily companion. I've heard all the arguments, studied the writings of scholars old and new, strived to find that place of faith. 

Then one day I heard Bill Johnson from Bethel Church in Redding, California say a few wise words on the subject of unexplained suffering.  One line captured my heart.

"I attribute it to the mystery of God." 

God's wisdom is hidden in mystery, creating a divine tension which pulls me away from reasoning to surrender. My vision moves from the God-Image I have created in my mind to the God who dynamites the sides out of the box Ive kept him in. I have a choice to make. Surrender to the mystery or remain in the struggle.

My hands open wide, releasing everything to him.

 Daily.

Divine tension is displayed in the Lord's Prayer.

"Our Father, which art in heaven, hallowed be thy name."

 He is our Abba Father, our loving God but he is still to be revered and held in high esteem.

"Give us this day our daily bread."

Our eternal Creator, to whom time is endless, no beginning or ending, except in Him, gave us this prayer. Ask for your daily provision. He knew we could handle no more than one day at a time.

The God who judges nations has the heart of a shepherd. A mystery indeed!

Do I want anything less?  Would I want a God that I could figure out, that I could control? If that were the case, he would be a mere idol, shaped by man. Man doesn't have the greatest track record so the answer is clear-cut when I look at it through a lens untainted by earthly thinking.

Each morning this month, I worship with Deuteronomy 6. "The LORD our God, the LORD is One."

Hands open to surrender and embrace.

According to 1 Corinthians 2:7, God determined this for our glory. Ours not His. Now that is another mystery.

Spilling Jelly Beans in a Doctor's Office

I'm sitting in the doctors office waiting for hubby. It is two weeks ago today he was waiting for me to get out of surgery. Now I wait and pray for him while he has a procedure. We traveled the three hours south this morning marveling at the high banks and snow laden trees lining the sides of the highway. Another March storm hit us yesterday. Everyone is praying for an early spring.

In my last post I was considering taking a break from social media and my blog. I did break for a few days from Instagram and Facebook. Wednesday evening I checked in and read a few blogs as well. Honestly I didn't miss FB or Instagram at all so I guess I'm not addicted. I did, however, channel my writing into my book rather than my blog. It was a welcome change.

Life is slower for me these days. Recovery from surgery is filled with all sorts of details that no one bothers to mention. That part is definitely not fun. I am enjoying reading and resting in the afternoons. Little frustrations come in the form of having to ask Hubby to carry the basket of towels into the kitchen  by the washer, because I am unable to lift for a month. In the scheme of things, that's really nothing.

The other night I was watching the news and my heart was wrenched by a report of a young mother with five children and a newborn. She was living in a tiny makeshift home, damp and cold amongst hundreds of Syrian refugees. When I crawled into my warm cozy bed that night, my prayers filled with ache for her and I began to ask God somehow to send someone to help that woman across the ocean.

When Hubby and I pulled into the parking lot here today there was a pickup with the words on the front, "I am that I am." 

When I know nothing else for sure, I know that God is huge, the great I Am. Yet he is loving and compassionate and I know his heart aches for that young mother as well.

I pause in this typing to place my hand to my side, where it aches. I am still healing and the trip down was trying. He knows that too.

My words are spilling on this page like jelly beans out of a jar, many colors and flavors, a mosaic of thoughts. What are the thoughts in your heart today? Spill into the comments my friends. I always read them.

Divided Loyalties

Photo Credit to Amber Walker

A few weeks ago I headed to town to meet a friend for the afternoon. I got to the end of my road and realized that I'd forgotten my phone. I sat behind the wheel staring at the stop sign, pondering whether or not to turn around. I was already late for our appointed meeting time but I hadn't been parted from my phone for nearly a year and a half, night and day. When I thought about leaving it behind something akin to panic stirred inside. That's when I knew what I had to do. I turned the corner and kept on driving. There were a few strange moments but I survived.

This afternoon I read a blog post that I can't move quickly past. Alicia describes her two month withdrawal from social media, including blogs and the effect it had on her life. There were some things I couldn't relate to such as the self-questioning aspect but then she had to mention the phone. Darn. 

I thought of the moments that stretch to an hour or so spent just checking Instagram and Facebook, then another hour reading my favorite blogs. I don't begrudge that time because I really enjoy these connections, but I wonder how much energy I am expending that God may be nudging me to redirect, if only for a time.

Take for instance this morning. I nearly always check my email and perhaps Instagram after my regular prayer, Bible and journaling time. Today I didn't. I'm not even sure why not. I had a tiny nap and then I opened my laptop and pulled up my book that I had begun writing and then abandoned. The reasons for this were varied. I took a course which consumed all my writing energy and when I returned to my book, the words seemed flat. Today I knew how they fit together. Something that Sue Monk Kidd said in one of her books about all her editing while she was writing the first few chapters of her book released me, and I began to edit and rewrite until I had six solid chapters. That felt good.

So when I read Alicia's post, I thought, "What if I take the month of March (already a week in) and fast social media?"

All the reasons why not answered me. I enjoy seeing what my girls post but they have hardly been posting lately. I like the book clubs and Bible study opportunities but I have a stack of books to read and a pattern for this month in my Bible. I might miss something. I've been more off and on blogging and my readers might bale, what few there are. And some of them are friends now.

Then I thought, what if I did do this? Would my thoughts turn to my book rather than inspiration for my next blog post? Would I dig out that material and begin my quilt? Would I write those letters I've been wanting to put the pen to for months? Real honest-to-goodness letters.

The jury is out, but they are definitely in deliberation. 

I hope I haven't lost you by my lengthiness. I must wind this up and perhaps even tweet it.

 :)

Old habits are hard to break.

One Week Into Recovery

If anyone tells you that gall bladder surgery is a breeze, ask three questions.

1. How old were you when you had the surgery?
2. How sick were you at the time?
3. Who are you, Superwoman?  

This past week was certainly not one I want to repeat and I learned things that no one told me about post-surgery. I'm grateful it's behind me.

No, I am not going to divulge all the painful details but I could give you some tips if you are facing this surgery. Leave an email address in the comments.

Instead, I am going to list all the things that made my journey easier and lifted my spirits.

• a wonderful hospital staff
• Hubby 
•  my dear friend, Pam, traveled all the way from Nova Scotia
• peppermint tea, chicken broth, Calmicid from Melaleuaca, Vitamin C, and my rice heating pad
• Juicing a few days in
• Daisies from my three girls with three butterflies in it (they hadn't specified those to the florist:)
• prayer
• walking in the middle of the night around my house
• afternoon naps
• Hallmark movies (I am going to start writing the names down, Relyn :)
• patience
• pictures, videos, and FaceTime with my girls
• a loose pink nightgown I purchased prior to surgery
• a clean house thanks to my niece
• any sort of GOOD news
• stool softeners (I am whispering)

This morning is the first day I awoke and felt a tad bit more like myself.

"I am going to spend this morning with the Lord."
I announced to Hubby today as he went off to the shop. I did and it was wonderful.

I'm pondering if I feel well enough to persuade Hubby to take me to the movies this afternoon.

Thanks for your prayers, dear blog sisters. It's good to be back.

In My Corner of the World

I take my camera wherever I go but I find myself with few pictures when I return home. I snap a few with my iPhone, but January and February have been barren months pictorially. 

Part of that is due to the freezing cold and desolate landscapes. I've had so little time with my grandkids and when I do, I'm not thinking of taking photos, merely enjoying the moment.

My dear friend, Pam arrived on Sunday and we have been enjoying being together this week. We've watched the closing of the Olympics, a delightful Hallmark movie, shared tea and scriptures, worked out at the gym together, and eaten a ton of chocolate. :)

Here in northern Maine, people are praying for spring. This season has been cold and hard, but not nearly as rough as it has been on many across the country and beyond. There's a biathlon going on here right now with international athletes. This will add a little color to our bleak winter. 

On Friday, we say farewell February and move into March - like a lion or a lamb? We will see.

On Friday also, Lord-willing, after two cancellations, I will go in for surgery to have my gall bladder removed. This is to prevent any further incidents with my pancreas, which is my major issue. The doctors say it won't make me feel any better, but I am consulting with the One I know healed many people and praying that I can eat and feel better after this is done.

I've been a terrible blogger this year so far and will probably be a bit quiet for a week or so. Hang in there with me. I continue to read your blogs, even when I am quiet, and enjoy them. 

Sending love from my little corner of the world.