What Really Matters

"Listen for God's Voice in everything you do, everywhere you go. 

He's the One who will keep you on track." 

Proverbs 3:6 MSG

I spent decades trying to do the "right thing." 

Be the perfect Christian, serve Jesus, make sure all my ducks were in a row.

Dr. Phil would insert a question here. How did that work for you?

It didn't.

I loved Jesus and spent time with him, but he had competition. The church's pressure, my perfectionistic tendencies and a bunch of wrong thinking all rolled up in a big snowball, constantly kept me rolling away from him, arms and legs flailing.

Those days are behind me for which I am eternally grateful. Now and then the "I shoulds" show up to keep life interesting.

Like this week. The Beth Moore simulcast is tomorrow. Of course, I'm going, I told myself. 

"Pencil me in," I told my friends.

 Why the pencil? A combination of other responsibilities and a nagging unsettled feeling.

All week I waffled back and  forth. I'm going. I'm having a gathering at home. I'll watch it on my own.

Meanwhile, my brother shared his excitement with me about his first table at the Trash and Treasure show. A big indoor flea market basically. The stack of books on my porch had been growing all summer as I sorted and reluctantly at times prepared a stash for his table. Yesterday I helped him take his books over and set up for Saturday. This entailed several trips up and down stairs to his second floor apartment lugging bags and boxes of books. 

I definitely did my part. Mom could help him Saturday morning with the selling part, giving change etc. I was going to Beth Moore. Then Mom made a statement as we were setting up.

" I get a bit nervous giving change. There are so many people in the morning."

My heart sank. But I knew. I'd been hearing God's quiet voice all week. 

Following God doesn't look like what it used to for me. There was a time I wouldn't have questioned going to the simulcast. The last few years I've changed. I've heard the cry of the one who falls through the cracks, unnoticed, unloved, unheard. 

Once you hear the cry of a single heart in need, truly hear it, you can never go back.

This may look like a simple sale table to me, but it means a lot more to my brother. 

Thus it needs to matter to me.

A couple of weeks ago, the Lord impressed these words upon me. 

"You matter to Me. What matters to you, matters to Me."

I want to be like Him. I want the people in my path to know they matter. 

I know the heart of Jesus a little better these days and I know he loves each one sheep deeply. 

Lord, help me to help you love here on earth in my small, chosen plot of ground. I'm sure Beth would say Amen to that.

Spirit Stirring in the Wee Hours

 I am bleary-eyed and needing a cup of tea at 1:30 a.m. on Sunday morning. I'm normally in bed by 9:30 p.m. with lights out by 10:00 but I couldn't sleep - again. This is getting to be a Saturday night habit. The past three weekends I've been lying wide awake, sensing an urge to get out of bed,  listen to my spirit or write.

Tonight I was thinking about joy and laughter and their effect on our bodies. This led me to thoughts of starting a ladies Bible study. Go figure? Other than a small gathering with a couple friends, it's been a few years since I led a Bible study.

I slipped out of bed and opened the small tote where I'd tucked materials for future studies. Most of them were Beth Moore, whom I love. At the very bottom of the tote was a box with study materials of Jennie Allen's "Restless." I gathered all of them and quietly settled in my chair before the television. I watched Jennie first, then moved on to Beth. After two sessions with Beth and a few You Tube videos, I kept returning to Jennie Allen. I wasn't crazy over the study guide so I searched on my shelf for the book. My bookmark was still stuck in a halfway point. As I read over the pages, I could sense the Spirit of God pulling me in.

I could use the book, the cards from the kit and a few videos. It would be a lot of work to keep it to seven weeks. This is not in my plan. My intention for the next few months was to focus on my writing. No, this does not fit the script. Yet, here I am at 1:42 a.m. praying
 "Lord, I need confirmation for this one."

He knows how easily I am sidetracked by certain things. Is this just me wanting to return to familiar? Yet, this isn't familiar. Beth Moore would be familiar and she would do the teaching. Lord, you know all things. Lead me.

My word for this year is "unscripted." My IF:Gathering word is "rest. "

I will wait and watch to see what the Lord will say. For now I am simply going to bed.

Standing on the Edge of Joy

My Words of Intention for the week:

Joy

Wholehearted

Open

For a few weeks now, my mind has been hovering over a single thought - that I am standing on the edge of joy. 

Fragile and vulnerable, like the birds on my feeder in this tentative spring, ready to take flight at the first sudden movement or noise unfamiliar.

Then last night I found myself standing on the sidelines of joy, so close I could reach out and touch it.  The occasion was a small, simple wedding. I had been unusually tired in the afternoon and struggled to find something to wear. Nothing fit and although the end of April, it was cold outside. I imagined myself in a reception hall, shivering and longing for home.

From the moment we stepped inside, although chilly, the warmth of twinkling lights and genuine smiles wrapped its arms about me and drew me in.

The ceremony itself was brief and then an interlude for photos ensued. The bride and groom took center stage for their dance before the food was served. I stepped closer to joy. This was no ordinary dance. The music swirled about them as they began their intentional ballroom waltz, faltering steps at first, then moving into the magic of their moment. All stiffness fell away as they gazed with unfiltered joy into each other's faces. Closing with a swirl and a twirl, the groom then pulled his bride close to him, enfolded in his arms as they both faced the crowd for the finish. It was priceless.

When Hubby got a phone call an hour later to come in and fix a trailer tire, I reluctantly dragged myself from watching the ripples of joy continue to spread from guest to guest on the dance floor.

What made this wedding so special?

Was it the groom who waited for the perfect girl, the sweetness in her every step, the simplicity with which it had all been planned? Or that he day before, this very family gathered for the funeral of a beloved grandfather, most unexpected.
And now they celebrated unashamedly.

Beth Moore says that Joy and Anguish are tied together, moving through our lives hand in hand. I watched this played out in this family before me. Joy was winning.

So I begin my Word List for the week with Joy. Daily circumstances, reports, emotions, worries, sufferings within and without battle to pull me away. There is always a war.

I sat at my table thinking of 2014 being the year of divine reversals. Could it happen this quickly? Back to back. Can God step in and turn anguish into joy overnight?

I don't have the answers but this I know for sure:

I want joy to win.

I Can't Believe It's Saturday Again!

Since I've been home, I've met with my prayer gals twice. Last week we laughed and spent hours catching up. This week we watched messages by Christine Caine and Beth Moore from the Awaken Now conference and shed tears of repentance and pleading for the Holy Spirit to awaken our hearts once again to His heart. It was a blessed time. Those DVDs are available at Lifetoday.org.

For the most part my week was a quiet one. I dug out my card table and began a puzzle. at one point I looked up and it was snowing so hard that I could barely see across the road. Perfect day to be indoor.

On Friday I drove myself for the first time in a month to have my pre-op blood work. It was wonderful to be independent again! I must admit that my foot was quite sore that evening, but it was worth it.
I've been spending my mornings sitting before the Lord in prayer and in His word. What a joy! Afternoons find me in my favorite spot reading with the sunshine pouring in through the picture window, lulling me to sleep for a catnap on occasion.

My surgery is scheduled for next Friday. Lord willing, on Monday I will make a short trip to Bangor to see my girls before I become housebound once again.

Today I worked on billing and watched past messages of Beth Moore. She continues to speak the Lord's word into my heart.

I have pondered the breath of God upon and in His word all week. You can hear a good message about this on the Gateway App or on their website. It is called Staying Alive by Robert Morris.  Beth added to those thoughts today.

I feel like the Lord is planting much in my heart and mind these quiet days. Perhaps I will share them soon.