Holding Up the World

Five hours separate me from my brother. Five hours and years of sparse communication. He's not a big talker and we were never close, but I love him and he loves me. Love bridges the gap in our conversations but there are five hours of travel to think about. I'm talking about traveling the state of Maine in January. Snowstorm today and tomorrow diving to record low temps and another snowstorm on Monday. Tuesday the high is -5 degrees. It's difficult to leave the house and fires unattended on a day like that. Then there's the little detail that I have been sick for the entire month.

My brother will undergo open heart surgery on Tuesday, with high risk because he also has muscular dystrophy. He lives alone and is fiercely independent but this challenge is big, even for him.

This morning, before I knew for certain about the surgery, I took five minutes to look at my collage journal. I hadn't reached for Liz's poetry book in some time. As I picked it up and flipped through, I noticed a small piece of paper tucked inside. She must have placed it between the pages before sending it my way. I pulled it out and read, "you don't have to hold up the world today." Immediately I glued it on the picture in my journal of the woman holding up the world.

After receiving the call from mom about my brother this afternoon, worry kicked in. What about his apartment and bills to be paid and food left in the fridge and ...

"You don't have to hold up the world today."

A familiar whisper skimmed across my thoughts.

You can trust Me to care for him.

Snow is gently falling outside. Tomorrow the wind will turn beauty into blizzard-like conditions once again. 

 God who holds serenity of today is shelter in the storms of tomorrow.

My shoulders feel weight shift.

 Let me let go. 

 When talking to my brother last night, he made a statement that has stayed with me.

"God's will be done."

I'm a more specific kinda gal - wanting to cover all my bases kind of pray-er. But lately God is drawing me into a new season, a place of rest and trust. Unscripted prayers will carry my heart and cover the distance of miles and obstacles.

I'm grateful that my brother has returned to the faith of his teen years and uttered those words. I can think of no better ones in this moment.

Soul Clutter

"My soul isn't designed to be cluttered."

That quote is from Finding Spiritual Whitespace, which I am reading for the second time along with a group of women on the Facebook page of  Bonnie Gray, the author. I read her book right after it was released, but as I entered Chapter One for the second time, tears filled my eyes. The language, the words, the story resonated with my soul.

"What I need is...Soul Rest."

How do I take a soul rest? 

My soul consists of mind, will and emotions. My mind is full of concerns right now for friends and family members going through very serious issues. I've been on the phone for the past two days encouraging and praying and waiting for news with bated breath. 

I find myself craving long periods of solitude, but unable to settle in because of circumstances. I long to write and read and create, yet the rhythms of my life are not cooperating with my yearnings.

So I  use small increments of time to practice those things that fuel my soul. This morning found me with my Bible and journal, then my collage journal, building pages. There's a part of me that hated to leave the page unfinished, yet I knew when it was time to shower and get in the office, beginning another phase of my day.

Make room. 

Those two words tumble around in my head along with plans and responsibilities filling up my day tomorrow. 

"We can't make it happen."

But I know who can.

Un- rush me, Lord. 

You have a plan and I've never known you to be in a hurry. Even this morning my prayer was for you to sync me with your plans. 

I am ready to close my day now. Tonight I will lie down on this scripture that comes to mind:

"I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” Matthew 11:28 MSG

Dreaming of Mac & Cheese

Potatoes are a staple here in "the County" as my home base is called. This is potato country. Actually these are yellow organic so Im not sure exactly where they were grown, but I'm guessing locally. 

I'm making shepherd's pie tonight - mashed potato, turkey burger and corn. One corner contains green beans just because I had them leftover from lunch and I like them. It's as close to comfort food as I can get tonight. I'd much rather have macaroni and cheese but alas, dairy and I aren't on speaking terms right now. Sigh.

It was a challenging day, all starting with the phone ringing at 1:00 am for hubby. A truck breakdown is typical when below zero weather persists day after day. He went out and came back by 2:00 and went back to sleep. The last time I looked at the clock, it was nearly 4:00 am. 

I was determined to drag myself to the gym and meet with my trainer for my once a week health check She cut our session short and sent me home to rest. I've been fighting sinus stuff and nausea ever since I got that flu virus on the day after Christmas. As weary as I was, rest didn't come easy either. 

It has been an out of sync day for me.  Hubby came in tonight while I was peeling potatoes and asked what was for supper. I looked at him with a blank look and said,"uhhhh?"

"Okay, I'll take two." He quipped.

We both laughed and I told him he'd be lucky to get one today.

I've said it before but its worth repeating. God knew what he was doing when he gave us day and night. I love the thought that a brand new day awaits me tomorrow and there is an end to this one. Smile.

I Love You More!

Watching your children have children of their own is nothing short of a miracle. If you are fortunate enough to live close and observe your grandchildren grow and change, you take part in another precious stage of life's circle.

I've been blessed to be a part of that process - watching my daughter have a daughter and being a part of her life. 

What memories!

School vacations filled with games and movies and snacks. Shopping trips since she was a baby. Tears and laughter. Times of separation that broke my heart. Campfires and smores and school projects that left red paint on my blanket. Art projects that left green paint on my floor :). All reminders of when she came to stay. Little notes I keep by the door. Countless photo opportunities!

Photo opportunities are limited now. She has grown into a lovely young woman creating her path in this world. I'd rather spend what time we have together hearing her voice, knowing her stories, delighting in her life. 

Friday night, in a rare moment, Ken cuddled in between Grampy and I on the couch. We talked a little about school and work and played a game on our phones side by side. It was one of those heart memories I hold close and they keep me going when the going gets tough.

Happy Birthday my sweet girl and know that you will always be my little girl even as I celebrate the woman you are becoming. 

I love you more!

Control is an Illusion

"Teach us how short our lives are so that we may be wise."

Psalm 90:12 NLT

Life is in the details.

During the season of my life when I was away from home for over a year, I missed the little things.

The way the sun comes through the window where I have my morning tea, reading a book, watching the news together while hubby and I eat supper, a phone call from a friend. 

The little things.

Daily I make small choices, seemingly insignificant, yet all according to plan. 

The years I believed it was my choice were an illusion, and I'm better off without it.

I read those words over on FlowerPatch FarmGirl. 

Do my choices really matter? I believe they do, especially how I respond to circumstances and emotional triggers.  I realize that Farm Girl was speaking from her life and perspective. If I were to write that sentence in my own words, with my own filtered thoughts, it would look like this:

The years I believed I was in control were an illusion, and I'm better off without it.

Joseph said something similar in Genesis 45. 

"So then, it was not you who sent me here, but God."

I've read those words dozens of times but this time I got chills, not necessarily good ones.

Bill Johnson says that "Faith unchecked leads to entitlement."

The fear of God is a check.

Even standing here knowing that I am His Beloved, I fear Him and His control. 

That can be a good thing.

Begin Again

Tuesday afternoon I set an intention. 

Focus on my writing. 

I want this intention to stick and become a weekly ritual.

I pulled several books from my shelf on writing and read a bit in each. In response, I picked up my pen and began to free write. As the words flowed onto the page, my fears surfaced with clarity.

What if I'm not a writer?

What if I begin again and life happens with its detours and interruptions?

Am I wasting valuable time?

As long as I can recall, I've wanted to write. In one form or another I did. I kept journals year after year. I blogged faithfully - well almost. I joined a writer's group until it disbanded.

Over a year ago, I began to write a book. Then life happened and I placed it aside. The longer I ignored my book, more doubts grew.

On Tuesday afternoon, I wrote through the fear and set my intentions. An idea had been lingering in my thoughts for a couple of months - to join the Compel Training for writers. I went to the site, looked over the benefits and expectations and promptly joined up. Then I watched a couple of their videos.

Finally I dug out my fifty type-written pages and began to read aloud, making notes for changes as I did so. 

When I finished, I knew where to begin again.

Making Room

I stumbled across a new blog (new to me) this morning containing three words which summed up the month of January for me.

Make room. 

Wait.

There have been other words. 

Wisdom.

 I've been praying for wisdom for 21 days.

Rest.

I had a cold/flu since the day after Christmas. I'm starting to feel human this week.

Wait. Yes, that factored in. I knew I was waiting on all my usual new year's lists and goals.

But make room?

Yes. 

On days I experiences spurts of energy, I found myself drawn to weeding out. In 21 days, I packed up and sent out of my house a box of dishes, a tote of clothes and two large bags of books. Not to mention all the complaining from my hubby about the trash bags he has hauled to the shop dumpster.

I even broke my one resolution (order no books in January) and ordered a book about making room. Bless Amazon Prime :). The  Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up should arrive tomorrow.

What I'd forgotten is this process of letting go and weeding out and making room in my home affects my soul and permeates my spiritual journey.

I am making room for new ideas, clarity, time  and energy to do something about my dreams.