Painted Grace

He canceled the record of the  charges against us

and took it away by nailing it to the cross. 

In this way he disarmed the spiritual rulers and authorities

He shamed them publicly by his victory over them at the cross.

Colossians 2:14-15 NLT

As I opened Beth's study on legalism, my heart sank. Rules, perfectionism, lack of mercy.
I see my own reflection in the Pharisee. 

The old me, the me who raised her children by mixtures and measures of grace and rules.

Measuring sticks handed out at church combined  with filters lodged in my soul by my own harsh childhood created a lethal combination.

I spent untold hours over the last few years in repentance and remorse until all good of the past is shrouded in shame. 

Sometimes all that is left is to forgive oneself and move on to victory ground. The ground of the cross where the record of our failures was expunged.

I am choosing the solid ground covered in Blood but my heart aches for the mixed message I gave my children concerning God. The God of Love and mercy.

Then I'm reminded of a promise given long ago.

Lord, you promised to paint grace over the canvas of my family's lives. I take you at your Word.

Your faithful love endures forever. 

I forgive me and release myself from blame - solely because of who you are and whose I am.

I believe your grace is huge! 

Paint big, Lord! 

Huge beautiful strokes of grace

reveal the true God of love.

I once prayed a prayer that I would be soaked in grace until I ooze grace.

I want to ooze the colors of grace.

Show us your glory,  O Redeemer and Restorer in this advent season.

Ending or Beginning?

The mattering part is never what isn't...

It isn't what dream has been cut down, 

what hope has been cut off

what part of the heart has been cut out.

The tender mattering part is-

you have a Tree.

~

Ann Voskamp

Another holiday ended in loss and disappointment. It was the first time my girls had both been home in months and months. I looked forward to scrabble games, movies, and art time together. A 3:00 a.m. wakeup sick stomach Thanksgiving morning put an end to all that. I struggled to get through the day and they left early the next morning.

I wrote in my journal - another ending in loss and disappointment. It seems every holiday I  battle sickness. 

I sat with my Bible open in my lap, my despair shadowing the written words. 

Unexpectedly a question dropped in my heart. 

What if this is not an ending but a beginning?

God has always used "what if" questions to get my attention. This thought had His fingerprints all over it.

I carried the question with me through the ending days of November, unfurling into December.

December - the ending of twelve months yet a time to cast forward toward a new year. 

Often we are so caught up in the stress and planning for Christmas that we barrel into January and quickly pen resolutions. 

What if we made space for beginning now?

How can I clear moments today for clarity tomorrow?

I move slowly into this first morning of December even though the day looms mountainous. Two appointments for me and taking my brother for his errands while battling a cold presses upon my weary body and soul.

Yet I hold a handful of hope.

Isaiah 11 focuses me forward. Winter lies ahead but spring will come. 

Hope gazes not on what ended but what begins.

Mending the Soul

I have nothing to bring you, Lord,

 after 63 years of raising a family, of ministry

nothing

empty- handed

empty

except my faith

battered and worn.

I'll take it 

 a living sacrifice, wholly, acceptable

You see this as nothing.

I see it as everything.

I've been knitting a lot of late. The project I am working on presented more challenges than I expected. The stitches are small and Ive strained to find my way when taking them out several times to correct mistakes. 

My soul work has been a lot like my knitting. Focused, discouraging, starting again, keep moving.

What I Learned in October

Today I am joining Emily's "What We Learned in October." I love the idea of looking back over this gorgeous month, gleaning the treasures - some evident, some hidden under a bit of pain or a dark cloud. Here are a few of the lessons I walked through in October, carrying them with me into the new month.

•  I gain time when I slow down. 

I know it sounds crazy! I find the more I grasp for time, the more it slips from my fingers. When I breathe and believe, I'm able to move into more space. 

Ann Voskamp says, "in Christ, we fill - gaining time." 

How is that possible? Picture setting our clocks back this weekend and gaining an hour. There is something magical about sinking into the present moment, rather than always reaching for the golden ring beyond our fingertips.

•  A shift in perspective creates space. (See my gym time as "me time.")

I knew it was time to get back to walking at the gym. The weather has grown too cold for outdoor hikes here in northern Maine. I made it there twice this week. Popping my headset on, I found inspiration and a place where none can reach me for thirty minutes. Yay!

• Sometimes what we think we need to do isn't really what we need at all.  Did you get that? And I call myself a writer! Sigh.

Last weekend Hubby and I were to attend a wedding. On the same day a friend of mine was speaking at a women's meeting, which I assumed I wouldn't be able to attend. She'd spent hours and days creating a gigantic anchor from paper mache and crafting her talk. I wanted to share in her joy.

All week long a gentle prompting to plan to attend nudged me. Thus on Saturday morning I headed for the meeting, finding encouragement and many beautiful moments. Hubby came down with a bad cold and cough so we never made the wedding (they had over 200 guests so we weren't missed.)

• Balance is a process.

I keep bumping into the word "balance." First it was on Jamie Ridler's blogpost where she describes balance a bit differently than I'd heard before. I watched her video several times, especially the section on letting go and taking in. 

While working on my collage journal "balance" captured my attention.

Then one morning I turned on the television to find Joyce Meyer speaking right to me about taking care of myself through exercise, rest and eating.

Balance.

• Family is worth the trip, even on bumpy roads.

I know this sounds a bit simple but this month was both a tough one and a wonderful one with my family. Family can be messy and hard and hurtful, calling for grace and forgiveness and a lot of 

love- overlooking- stuff.  Then the moments of pure joy break upon us, making it all worth the journey. 

• I can make a video! Hooray.

Check out this blogpost. 

http://wingsopen.blogspot.com/2015/10/journal-showdown-take-3.html

Hope you enjoyed a peek into the lessons I'm learning. Feel free to share with me.

The Finale with Hope as the Major Player

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him,  so that you may overflow with hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.

  Romans 15:13

I stand in the midst of this scripture today, pulling it up over me like a blanket.

I've mused for four days now for all to see. In between I count my blessings, swimming gratitude.

Today I settle into the remaining color of autumn, turning my eyes to the unseen God of hope.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.

                        Proverbs 13:12

I've been focusing on unmet hopes, desires denied, loitering fears. This morning my prayer is for fresh hope.

My best days are yet ahead, starting now.

I begin again - listening, opening, resting, choosing and clearing the congestion.

Balance : Soul Congestion - Part 4

My one little word for 2015 has been "unscripted." 

My word for the summer was "listen." 

Trusting God holds the script allows me to let go of tight-fisted control. I find this to be a daily process.

Listening. Always returning to listening requires showing up for my life. In the moment and for the long haul.

Every year I spend my entire fall planning, preparing and creating for Christmas. I love to surprise my family with heartfelt, thought out, unique, and often handmade gifts.  On December 26th its over, leaving me exhausted and sometimes succumbing to illness.

I want to break the pattern.

Fall has always been my most productive season. This year I am feeling tired, longing to feather my nest and rest. Yet the temptation to dive into several creative projects pulls me.

I'm adding another word.

Balance.

Lock in to my rhythm, sensing the ebb and flow, identifying undercurrents and dropping anchor in the right place and season.

The Unnoticed Life; Soul Congestion - Part 3

Who notices a single leaf slipping to the ground beside an old falling-down barn on the back road of nowhere?

Perhaps this is my quandary, the one keeping me up at night. 

Will my life go unnoticed? 

The list of synonyms for unnoticed begins with:

• overlooked
• undiscovered
• unrecognized
• unseen

Can you identify? I don't want to miss anything. I don't want to leave this life overlooking my destiny, leaving little treasures undiscovered. I long to recognize God in the midst of each day.

Most of all, I don't want my life falling to the ground "unseen."

There are days when I feel like I'm here as a prop for others, the holding- up person, the necessary but unseen. 

That would be okay- except for those down-deep desires pressing against my heart. 

The ones I've spent years hushing until they all mesh together, yet never fully disappear.