Sometimes I Just Can't

I was reading Henri Nouwen's book today "Turning My Mourning into Dancing." He gives a definition for compassion from the original words meaning "to stay in the suffering." He goes on to explain that this is not giving words or directives to people but simply to suffer with them.

I find this is not always easy and sometimes impossible. I turned away from a friend this week. Not because I wanted to, but grace I needed to stay in the suffering with her ran out. I'm not proud of that, but I am acknowledging my limits. 

I, too, have suffered thus I want to be a woman of compassion.  I sense my whole being longing for joy, for relief for the ones I love. I pray for divine reversals, turnarounds, miracles. I celebrate slivers of silver linings, anything that holds forth hope

I don't know about you, but all around me, family and friends are suffering. I'm not talking about little things but big things. Cancer, difficult marriage, a child dying, fear, and hurt and rejection. There are no shortcuts through these things. They have to be walked out, often while broken. My heart guides me, each woman whose arm I slip through mine by holding her up in prayer whether by phone or in person, touched in some small way.

I pray for the limitless God to be seen through my limited life. I feel weights lift as I acknowledge that I cannot stay in the suffering with my friend, but I know the One who will. He says to me, "It's okay."

It is better to admit this than to try to rescue her with my advice, to move her before she is ready. Too late this time for such wisdom but I am learning.

I pick up Brene Brown's book, The Art of Imperfection. She is writing of compassion, too. 

"Compassionate people are boundaried people." 

After witnessing so much hurt this past year, I wanted to always be a healer, always reaching out, never turning from a need. I am finding that this is not possible. I am imperfect. I am weary. I am in need of healing and grace myself. Even Jesus rested and got alone and I am far from being Him.

Just as I type these words, a text comes through from a close friend at the end of her rope. I simply say that I love her and will utter a prayer.

I lift my eyes from the keyboard to my window where the sun is shining in and I remember to be grateful for all that I am blessed with in this moment. I must count gifts to survive. I smile and there is hope.

At the End of the Day

It's after 11:00 at night and I am tired. It has been a busy day ending in multiple challenges. I am trying to wind down, so in opened my iPad to check a few favorite places, including Jamie Ridler's Monday challenge "I Made This." 

I remembered snapping this photo today in the grocery store parking lot. I never tire of seeing the Amish horse and buggy. They always bring a smile to my face and cause me to breathe and slow my pace a bit.

This is the only creative thing I was able to do today, using a photo app tonight to change it to black and white with a tinge of vintage. Perhaps I will be able to turn away from the things that weigh me down from this day and smile as I post this picture.

Cathedral Moments in the Here and Now

"Life is not an emergency. It necessitates living slow." Ann Voskamp

I am savoring reading One Thousand Gifts once again, this time aloud. Did I mention that already? I ask with a smile. This morning in my readings, Ann mentions cathedral moments. Oh, these don't take place in a church but under the sky and on the earth, where we place our daily feet.

Brene' Brown says that part of the problem with us here in America is that we are constantly striving to be extraordinary; so much so, that its not okay to just be ordinary.  

 To live, love, joy, suffer, cry, care, give in the ordinary days of life.

For years, decades really, my cathedral moments were spent in church. I counted them as works toward being that extraordinary woman of God, always striving toward her, never quite measuring up.

Over the past year and a half, I can count the times I've been in church on both hands twice. But my cathedral moments are more than I can number.

Here are a few of those moments from the past week:

• back to the gym, walking a mile, listening to God
• Kate confirming the path to take for me nutritionally
• simple answers to prayer
• making smoothies with my sis-in-law
• reading a good book
• saying a prayer over another

and my favorites:

• cuddling with Lily in the rocker, reading a book
• Ken's arm around me, close, sharing her life and concerns
• Amber's smile and excitement for a new possibility

For those of you who are worried about me and my lack of church attendance, I plan to go back sometime, but never like before. Every morning I rise and spend at least two hours with Jesus, my Bible, my books, my journal and prayer. Nevertheless, it is in the living of those words I hear and read where it really matters. 

It is in the "Here" where "eucharisteo" (giving of thanks)  transforms thorns of life into beauty of grace. 

"The body and soul can synchronize." Ann V.

How long has it been since your body and soul lived in sync? 

One of my favorite verses used to be "In Christ, I live and move and have my being." Acts 17:28

I was perpetually striving and fighting to find that place. I'm here now.

In Christ, my body and soul are in sync. I listen to my spirit.

I read something this week. If you keep pulling to the right or the left, there is a strain, a heaviness but it is staying right here, under Christ's yoke, where there is a lightness, a peace.

I have not always done so. 

When the Bible speaks of Naaman, it says that he was a valiant man, but he was a leper.

Beth Moore talked about that this week and encouraged us to write our own sentence.

Mine would go something like this.

She was a woman of faith, but she was a struggler.

I want to stop struggling. 

Here.

Now.

I am an ordinary woman with an extraordinary God.

Listen to Your Body, Your Spirit, and Those People Who are Gifts to You

Movement is an important part of my self-care. If you read my post yesterday, you could tell that piece had been missing for a time because of my recovery from surgery. Even though I awoke tired this morning and groaned when Hubby came in to tell me that it was freezing rain a bit outside, I knew the path to the gym and training with Kate was open before me this morning. I needed it desperately.

The roads were challenging from yesterday's storm, but I'd driven worse. Once there I walked a mile around the track before Kate arrived. The next hour was spent with light exercise and talking about nutrition and where I need to go from here. It was so great and motivating. Kate encouraged me to listen to my body and move intuitively. I had been perusing websites talking about raw foods and detoxing, desperate to move into healing and good health. Yet I knew Kate's voice was the voice I needed to listen to, along with my own inner compass. Kate knows me well after years of working together. She told me to detox my mind of all the websites and ideas and stick to one simple step at a time, as I had been doing. She discouraged any big changes or detox right now. I have already lost too much weight and I eat fairly healthy on a regular basis. It made sense and resonated with my spirit. I had journaled early this morning, before meeting with Kate, about specific steps I want to implement in April. Under each category of body, soul, and spirit I wrote LISTEN.

I feel lighter and happier. I came home to a salad that I pre- made and popped in the refrigerator with spinach and fresh organic strawberries, tuna on the side. ( Where do they get those in northern Maine in March?) I know me and if I wait until I get home, I am often too hungry and eat something easy. This time I pulled the salad out and added avocado slices and dressing. I grabbed a handful of sea salt crackers and placed a piece of dark chocolate on my tray. It was so pretty that I enjoyed every bite. 

So this salad is my Monday creation for Jamie Ridler's "I Made This!" Monday.

Even the Snowman Wants Out!

 I love being snowed in on a Sunday, but I think I am going stir crazy and ready for spring. I've spent too much time in the house for the past month. I am tired of reading, writing, watching television, checking Instagram and looking at the same four walls! My shoulders ache from too little exercise and too much time in my chair. Now I know that much of this has been necessary healing time, but even though I am not 100 percent, it's time to make a move. I think even Mr. Snowman is ready for a meltdown! 

I'm going to share a few goodies I've been looking at tonight.

• Researching blenders - Do I want to invest money in a really good one? I googled the difference between a Ninja and a Vitamix.
• A good reminder to appreciate those around you from  Relyn. http://www.magpieandmuttonfly.com/2014/03/a-little-extra/
• Watch the clip Relyn recommended from Out of Africa - loved it!

I also got Hubby's pics onto the laptop from his phone, started a food diary (must figure out what makes me feel sick or not!),  and tried for the fourth time to backup my iPod Classic I've had it for years but I can't do it! See, too much time on my hands.

Can you tell I am in need of physical movement? Tomorrow morning I return to the gym with Kate, my trainer and nutrition coach. Please, please, please go away freezing rain!

Oh and sorry about my lack of clarity in yesterday's post. It wasn't our anniversary. Hubby and I were celebrating his good health report.

I won't have time to post tomorrow so I gladly say my goodbyes to March tonight. Goodbye, adios, sayanora (spelling?). I would say good riddance but that would be going against my intentional gratitude list and there have been many things to be thankful for. Thanks for listen to me ramble this final Sunday evening in March.

Simple Saturday Celebration

Church where we were married 44 years ago

Hubby and I set aside today to celebrate our good news. Because of the threat of  blizzard-like winds and snow, we rescheduled our appointments mid-week. His doctor was kind enough to call us with the results of Hubby's tests. All good! Yay! 

At first we thought we might head downstate for the weekend, see a movie and our kids. The weather report for tomorrow changed our minds so we opted to go with the flow. We slept in until 8:00 a.m. which is late for us, Hubby cleaned the pellet stove while I made a fresh juice. In the midst of cleaning up, I broke a glass in the dish water with a scary jagged edge and came out without a scratch. Grateful!

Then Hubby went out to the Agri-business show while I drank my tea and journaled. By the time he got home, I was showered and ready to go. But where would we go? Our adventurous day took us to Marden's to look at recliners but we found nothing. From there we went to lunch, where Hubby enjoyed a calzone loaded with greasy goodies and I stuck to salad. On to the grocery store!

The highlight of our day were the pictures and video our daughter sent to us of our three-year old granddaughter by the ocean. Hubby had his volume turned up so loud that all the store could hear the video until I suggested he turn it down. LOL. We watched it again after exiting the store, this time at full volume.

Now we're home and Hubby is napping in the chair as I write this post. It may not seem like a very exciting celebration to anyone looking in from the outside, but from our point of view it was perfect. After months of being apart a good amount of time, we didn't need fireworks or champagne,  just a simple Saturday together.

Turning Toward Grace

"The days of the blameless are known to the Lord." Psalm 37:18 NIV

My thoughts are filled with tomorrow's appointments in Bangor, three hours away, the weather threatening close and what our reports will be. Then I open to Psalm 37. My days are known to God.

After all, He is the One who created days, is He not?

An eternal God limited himself with time marked out by evening and morning. How he made this separation is a mystery for the sun and moon were not in existence until the fourth day. The Alpha and the Omega limited himself to each day to complete his work. The timeless God.

Amazing! How else could we have known that his mercies are new every morning if life was one endless day?

Sleep is a precious commodity, vital to this body weakened by the Fall. I wonder what Adam and Eve's eternal bodies were like prior to their sin? No weariness, no sickness, no fearful twinges of pain. Oh, heaven must be beyond comprehension!

For now I live here in "here-time" as Ann Voskamp would describe it. 

And the Eternal pours out fresh grace upon my every morning.

I turn toward Grace and give thanks.